Satire from Jim Boddy Dudebrough
(Any resemblance to long-running pieces in Harper’s are purely coincidental.)
- Persons most likely to claim to be a wingman but really be a cockblocker: dudes names Harper
- Persons most likely to come on cool but come home hot: chicks named Harper
- Two birds most likely to spoil a good walk: Canada geese, dookie
- What’s keeping us awake these days: fascism, cake
- Great places to take a piss: the Bucc-ee’s off the Cimarron Highway in northeast Oklahoma, Kilimanjaro
- A good way to lose an argument about epistemology: Axe body spray
- Top way to end a clam bake (according to Scientific American): Tuvan throat singing
- Unfortunate names for a politician’s boat: The Sea Hag, The Drowned Constituent, Dark Money
- Rank of respective mean statistics, on average: 14, 59
- Names of people spotted walking to and from the laundry room at 9:47 Friday morning: Madison, Tamara
- Title of the least favorite book at Teagarden Books, Wimbo, PA: How to Determine the Gender of Your Best Paperclip, Vol. 2.
- Name of the band most reposted on social media from the Misery, WA Band-O-Rama: The Distant Lemons
- Percentage of Tarheels who say they’d do it all again: 23
- Percentage who say they’d add a sachet of spices: 60
- Who say they don’t know: 2
- Rank of tittle or jot, according to the National Association of Psycholinguists: 2
EastWesterly Review 
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