EastWesterly Review
since 1999

–EW Wilder

This year’s Purewater University PostModernVillage Conference represented, like so many things in 2023, a “return to normal,” reminding all of us of how terrible “normal” actually is. The conference, held as was usual in the Purewater University Student Capital Accumulation (formerly the Student Union, until a wealthy industrialist donor objected), was plagued by over-airconditioning (the Svalbard Ballroom) to underall stuffiness (the Snute Conference Center) but was, mercifully, free of the usual arrests of conferees, due, in no small part to lingering supply-chain issues making unavailable the normal conference staple of boxed wine.

The arrests, instead, were mainly of clashing climate-change protesters speaking out against the conference being sponsored, in part, by Chutes Industries, which, among other activities, funds a scholarship powered entirely by coal*. They clashed with the local chapter of the Freedom Karens, on campus to speak their minds about the campus library’s last remaining VHS copy of Inherit the Wind.

It was probably good that the Karens never caught the scent of the conference on that breeze, as the political bent continued apace, energized by their own renewable font of intellectual umbrage.

Behold the Papers . . .

What We Shoot About When We Shoot About Love: Ammosexuality in the Age of Post-Post-Minimalism

–Pierre LaCarvier

LaCarvier locked in on the subject and loaded the paper up with his characteristic good aim–the target of which was that, rather than being shot through with fear, the gun-nut really does want to nut his gun. It’s just like the bumper-sticker: Eros wins.

Brancusi, Babylon, and The Baffler: a Simmering Cesspool of Self-Report

–Breton Oppenheim

From Princess X to AI porn, we’ve spent a century just gazing: at ourselves, at our culture, at our current objects of fascination. To Oppenheim, this has cheapened not just what’s seen but the seer as well, but as with a wreck’s twisted metal, we just can’t look away. And anyway, what’s away to look at?

Over-reads and Under-rudes: Femininity as Palimpsest, a Womanifesto

–Mary Chino Cherry

First-wave, Second-wave, Third-wave, Post-feminist–it can all seem like sorting through a stratigraphy of often obscure and highly debated historical/theoretical nuance. This is inevitable, claims Cherry, and part of the point. Écriture féminine has always been layered thus, argues Cherry, by design and essence, and rather than bi–er, complain about it, we’d better get used to it.

The Sad Nefariousness of the Aubergine: a Color Palette in Rude Emojis

–Una Codé and Pam Toan

🍆🍑😏❤️‍🔥

The Declaration of Declension: a Call for Linguistic Revolution on Parchment

– -JW Derp

The Millennial hipster never went away; he just took his nerdy obsessions into academe. Witness JW Derp’s insistence that today’s appalling grammar is a function of the inability of Gen Z to commit not just to the discipline of cursive or to the fussiness of of a quill pen, but to the deep-paleosity of writing on a thick sheet of dead animal skin. With a twirl of his waxed mustache, I could see his point, but as an X-er, gimme a Parker Jotter and a Trapper Keeper and I’m good to go.

Vervet Monkeys and Velvet Hammers: Colonialism and Colorism, or Imperialism by the Yard

–Kwantreau Coffey

Vervets are said to be some of the most human of monkeys, evincing such homo-like traits as hypertension and anxiety. They share our African origins, and, as Coffey points out, become a cogent stand-in for those other most African of tragedies, colonization and the sad way we’ve created a hierarchy of skin tone. The message was lightly delivered, but the content packs a blow.

Hexegetical: Analysis, Witchcraft, and Pentagrams, a Conjuring in Tree Acts

–Geraldine Jardinez

I’ll admit to not understanding the math, but the hermeneutics work out: lit-crit, from the outside, looks like a trick of associative magic. From the inside, it looks like the ability to derive meaning from obscure symbology–all powered by nature’s woody fibers.

Nagriculture: Cultivating Annoyance in the Diegesis of Digital Notifications, a Calendar Invite

– -Klipper Dudel

Unafraid to use the tools of the field–Poll Anywhere, push notification, tweets (X-es, or whatever they’re called these days)–Dudel makes the evil manifest(o). His presentation, we’re told, used algorithmic monetization to actually generate revenue.

Pitching a FitBit: Fitness Trackers as Cyber Meltdown, a Diatribe

–Cookie LeMonde

LeMonde, true to their word, belted out their paper into the cybersphere using the mic on their smartwatch and a TikTok livestream (livescream?). That we’re all part of the cardio-heavy chaos, though, is still a bit up in the clouds.

Madonna and the Pop Culture Diaspora, a Navigational Precept

–Lou Ciccone

Feel a bit at sea when scrolling through Spotify playlists? You’re not alone, contends Ciccone, who notes that the titular pop star unmoored music from their staid anchored places in the safe ports of radio classification. What Madonna wrought, the internet scatter-plotted.

T he Divine Moonies of the Sentient Scuzz: a Revision in Three Disinfectants

–Mi-Yong Sol

Sol presents both a history of the groundbreaking indie band and a charismatic, collective worship service, refining our notions and cleaning our minds of the filth the Scuzz spent the ’80s and ’90s spreading about.

Sourpuss Gardens: “Old Man Yells at Clouds” as Assisted Living Mission Statement

– -Davide Albers

Rather than turning elderly Boomers and aging X-ers into dissipated copies of their parents and grandparents, Albers argues that assisted living must change with the meme-driven times, accepting both these generations’ past rebellions and current disappointments. As we’re not getting any younger, we’re inclined to agree, yet we’d draw the line at sub-specialized nursing homes such as the proposed MAGA-ritaville. Then again, maybe sequestered in a memory center, we’d finally be rid of them at rallies and election offices nationwide.

The Palace Bones: Aristocracy as Real-Estate Makeover Show, a Big Reveal

–Penny Tun Dunker

Combining the folk-critique of “The Emperor’s New Clothes” and the logic of home renovations–when perfectly good but aging appliances are declared impossible to use with the sweep of a “This all need updating!”–Dunker moves the bus on the manor in which we’ve been trained by HGTV et al. to take literally the notion that each man’s house is his castle.

“The Blues Jumped Up and Et My Butt!”: Confession and Appropriation in the Whitewashing of Race Records

–Blond Lemming Jessperson

Jessperson contends that within each white blues performer’s repertoire is at least one song, lyric, or ad lib in which they basically admit to cultural appropriation if not outright musical fraud. But, really, would scores of English rockers ever be so contrite about the wealth wrought through colonization?

Discoalition: Booty-Shaking as Bridge-Building in Post ’70s Politics, a Playlist

–Terra Aeolis Pyro

As divisive as the mirrorball era may have been, with hardcore rockers on one side and the Top 40 chart on the other, Pyro reminds us through a cleverly curated DJ set just how diverse that light-up dance floor was. Without disco, argues, Pyro, Jimmy Carter never would have been elected. The lesson is apt, though, as his administration flashed out into the mean-spirited, reactionary Reagan era, the depths though which we still plod along.

Climb-It Crisis: Mountaineering, Climate Change, and the Politics of Extreme Sports

–Al X. Handhold

Breaking the fourth wall here, an easy allowance considering that no one is actually reading this and just looking at the cute cat pictures, this one could have been real–maybe it should be.

Scarlatté: Espresso, Frothed Milk, and the Burden of the Baroque, an Exercise in Sound Design

–Effigenia Mustard

We appreciate a well-set-up audio system, and Mustard’s aural processing brought the goods. with surround-sound harpsichord underlining her interpretation of the longstanding influence of Bach’s “Coffee Cantata” and the expectations his era has placed on composers in the intervening centuries.

Windustry: Revolution and Power Generation as the New Toxicity, a Manifesto of NIMBYsm

– -Zephyr Siemens

With a certain presidential candidate spouting the idea that windmills cause cancer and that solar panels somehow pollute groundwater (WTF?) Siemens aligns opposition to renewable energy into a somewhat coherent worldview, one we can see clearly puffing from the smokestacks and gas flares of the fossil fuel industry’s disinformation complex.

Buttonhead Murphy: a Retrospective in Ripped Fiber

–Redwater Burry

Burry’s presentation combined a slideshow with some actual works from the celebrated insider/outsider artist, but why he trusted million-dollar weavings such as Pietà in Louche Levis to Purewater University’s notoriously leaky physical plant is beyond us. In situ is the way to see it, though, all holey, all tangled up in blue.

Pandaclasm: Zoology, Diplomacy, and Sino-American Dialog, a Romance

–Tuan Yuan

By presenting the long and complex relationship between the US and China as excerpts from a Harlequin paperback is something of a stroke of genius, allowing Yuan to peer deep into its limpid pools of silliness and sweetness and cynical avarice.

The Great Satanic Bakeoff: a Culinary Map of Hell

–Barry Mari

If you think it’s terrible being a viewer, imagine the horror of being a contestant on one of the many, malignant competition cooking shows that have proliferated like poisonous mushrooms across the streaming, cable, and broadcast spectrum. The Devils’ food cake she shared was a nice touch, and it left us wondering why a show about food can’t just be about food.

Swedish Def Cleaning: Hip-Hop, Mortality, and Scandinavian Design, a Mixology

–Wyclef Jong

Jong dropped some sick beats, though pared-down and spare, killing it on stage but bringing up what we gain by clearing out the clutter. It’s not the notes but the rarefied air in between.

MILF on the Shelf: Toymaking, AI, and Holiday Fantasy, a Hairy Tail

–Hartley DeAngelo

Academe met NSFW in DeAngelo’s holiday-themed account of how all the best intentions and most innocent of celebrations eventually filter their way into porn.

The Magic Diphthong: Children’s Television, Skill-Building, and the Linguistics of Privilege, a Shooting Script

– -Lloyd Ganz

Ganz explored the well-known stat that kids exposed to more words grow into adults with greater academic achievement but questions the notion that Sesame Street and its early imitators really did that much to budge the pernicious effects of parents too harried and busy–or too unprepared–to do much more than sit their kids in front of the boob tube. It’s all on tablets and smartphones now, so who knows what the weeguns are exposed to. Fortunately, Ganz is working in a solution. You guessed it: there’s an app for that.

John Instygraham’s Meme Songs as Recursive Post-Pre-Modern Cri de Coeur, a Meta-Analysis

–Henry Allyn

Instygraham’s epic, book-length poem, unbelievably, turned ten this year, and Allyn marks the occasion with a study of how the Meme Songs, themselves based on memes, became memes, many of which critiqued, parodied, or commented upon the book Meme Songs and its “satirical authenticity.” Yeah, we got lost at the third iteration, but we spent the hour laughing through our tears.

Tennfamous: The Captain, Tennille, and the Invention of Celebyachty: an Ahoy in Three Acts

– -Tony Dragoon

Dragoon notion that yesterday’s age of celebrity-for-celebrity’s sake, which morphed somewhat seamlessly into today’s influencer era, was kicked off by the nautical pop songs of the ’70s is somewhat specious: after tall, those acts at least had a theme. But a gimmick does tend to elide content, the lack of which we seem to be all too content with now, as we scroll though wave after wave of 30-second videos and forgettable snark.

Pour Judgment: Viticulture, Day Drinking, and Literary Choice as 20th Century Cocktail Recipes

–Brain Flanagan

Compendia of authors’ favorite cocktails are not new, but the link to what they wrote is an important contribution to the field. The free samples didn’t hurt our opinions of Flanagan’s notions.

RawChester: Jack Benny, Race-Relations, and the Stereotyping of Plain Language, a Truth-Telling

–Edaner Sonne

Benny was actually known for treating his sidekick well and for avoiding stereotypes in his program’s later years, but Sonne’s contention that only thr clown can speak verily to the straight man should make us rethink our passive consumption of comics of color.

Conclusions, Occlusions, and Future Conferences:

As we drift back to “cultural studies” as a broad(ening) term; as we defy those who might make fancy political footwork with our critical theories, our post-post-postmodernism; as we get on with the work of sense-and-nonsensemaking that is academe; we’d do well to keep in mind AI’s winged chariot wingèd chariot hurrying near. A healthy reaction would be to simply critique it, too, but it does threaten to make us essentially obsolete: pick your favorite theoretical framework, you chosen subject, and a documentation format relevant to your field, then let ChatGPT do its work. You can’t necessarily build a career on that, but tenure is going the way of popped collars and internal combustion anyway. In a few short months, we’ve gone from the undecidable to the automated plausible.

But let us revel in what we’ve done this year and press ahead, with the understanding that there’s value in what people do, even if it’s only shared among the few, the underpaid, the embattled scholars that have come to be despised as “the elite.”

We have already secured a (modest) line of funding for 2024.

*This creates a bit of a logistical hassle for the students who receive it, who must be housed in special coal-fueled residences, use special–and notably smoky–coal-powered computers, and scoot about campus in their special “Coke-Head” golf carts. Most recipients prefer to walk.

Photo credits:

Pierre LaCarvier – Taylor Riché

Breton Oppenheim – Maia C

Mary Chino Cherry – Helen Haden

Una Codé – dirvish

Pam Toan – Scott Wyngarden

JW Derp – I am R

Kwantreau Coffey – Chris Yarzab

Geraldine Jardinez – Steff

Klipper Dudel – Andrew Hainen

Cookie LeMonde – Jody Sticca

Lou Ciccone – David Simonetti

Mi-Yong Sol – Old Rollei

Davide Albers – Andrew Hainen

Penny Tun Dunker – Philip Fayers

Blond Lemming Jessperson – Ann W

Terra Aeolis Pyro – Catyack Photography

Al X Handhold – Hugo Solar

Effigenia Mustard – Alan Turkus

Zephyr Siemens – Gloria García

Redwater Burry – Gloria García

Tuan Yuan – Schinner Hannes

Barry Mari – Catyack Photography

Wyclef Jong – Hank Brekke

Hartley DeAngelo – Terry Donovan

Lloyd Ganz – yuki_alm_misa

Henry Allyn – Liz West

Tony Dragoon – Greg Nelson

Brian Flanagan – David Kent

Edaner Sonne – wolf4max